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Classic Carlin

soupsoup:

• Always do whatever’s next.
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
• Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
• Electricity is really just organized lightning
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
• I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
• I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.