Spirit animal
This one, this one, and partying with this one (without knowing it).
Thanks, you guys. It means a lot to me that you made the effort to get all IRL with my visiting ass.
Some people are much different than you and you will never be their friend. It’s OK. There are mad people to talk to.
There are also nice people. You might not ever be their friend either. And you know what? It’s still OK.
And it’s also their loss.
Before heading to the Staples Center for the Laker game, Michelle, Sasha and Malia Obama were at Pink’s on La Brea today… about 8 1/2 hours before I was. The staff were still buzzing about it. “We’ve had a lot of celebrities in here,” said the guy serving us, “but this one was pretty special. And hardly anybody realized she was here!”
She tipped $20 and had the “Martha Stewart” dog, in case you wondered. (I had the “Mulholland Drive,” because duh, bacon!)
A certain little someone is making out like a bandit on this trip.
THIS IS RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS
It wasn’t the fun I had, nor the weed I scored…
It’s the fact that even though I didn’t know it at the time, it turns out I had a friend there at the club tonight. Talk about grailquests! Partying* in the same room with CT is an instant 1000 points in any LA scavenger hunt, even if I still have no idea who she is.
Huge grin on my face right now. (And it’ll be even bigger after I smoke this weed.)
[*No, not that kind of partying. That’s worth at least 2000 grailquest points.]
So after a fairly morose day of trying to rustle up some company, I got word just now that an influential friend has got me on the guest list (plus one) to one of the hottest clubs in the city, Drai’s. Amazing how quickly a little kindness from the opposite side of the country can turn your day around.
So, who’s going to be my date?
Yes, I will say “hi” to Lindsay for you all.
Man carrying boombox blaring Matchbox 20 (Bless)
JUGGALO CHILD (!!!!!)
And I’m glad for the pugs and all the “alone time,” but I’m starting to wonder if maybe you’re just not that into me?
Please prove me wrong. I’m here till Wednesday.
UPDATE: FUCK IT. I’m going to get on a bus, go into town and hang by a ritzy hotel pool and let random dudes buy me drinks. It’s what my spirit guide told me I should do. 31zero 93six 05one5 is the number of this beeeeyotch.
But sure, I’ll go have lunch with some random LA strangers taking pity on me! I’m not proud!
HEZ PRO-TIP: If you want shit done, it’s Carney & Kruc for the win every time.
Mexican Coke. Now I’m seeing it everywhere.
Cockroach almost the size of a Hot Wheels car.
Melrose Place-ish apartment complex. (Layouts like that are built for dramz.)
Taco truck. (Looked but did not buy. TOMORROW!)
Vintage Cadillac.
Crazypants wackadoo lunatic loudly cackling to himself while walking down Venice Blvd.
Hipster riding fixie while smoking.
Screaming fishwife berating hubby through open patio door.
Boom car. (Bonus points for the Snoop Dogg song!)
Brief shopping excursion that turned up 2 pairs of leggings possibly even more heinous than LiLo’s designs (pics to follow).
In-N-Out restaurant featuring 1) a pair of LAPD officers 2) two recent UCLA grads still dressed in caps and gowns, and 3) a truly awe-inspiring Bonita Applebaum in jeans so tight you couldn’t fit a bus transfer in her pocket.
I had to walk a whopping block and a half to score some Mexican Coke. Why can’t all my grailquests be this easy?
*Not technically a liveblog given that there was no wifi and I am posting this the next morning, but hey, semantics! Also apologies for the length and FORMATTING SUCKAGE!
OH MY FUCK it’s dark in here. Cool and cozy, with no windows. Just like I like it. And my double was 6 bucks. Yes.
Honky Tonk Women with my double VT
Across from Sony Pictures, drinkin with union techs
3 girls, me and a bunch of dudes
Heztival = Hez drinks on her own while waiting for other people who do not show. It’s cool! I knew this would happen anyway.
Meanwhile, the guy directly in my eyeline in front of the door is really feelin me. Sorry hon. I only have eyes for the door.
ONE person, please.
Luckily I don’t have any problem drinking alone.
Meanwhile the TV is showing highlights of some Flyers vs Devils game? WTF
Cute dudes with nice asses work here.
None of these people even look like they have BLOGS, let alone Twitters. EGAD. Thru the looking glass.
Teen Wolf is on. AND I’m about to watch basketball. Good lord.
Gals got they jerseys on. This IS the Cambie LA
FUCK, I LOVE AMERICAN GUYS.
But I am still going to take a seat opposite the only screen showing hockey highlights.
Okay, maybe I’m reading “Teen” as the nebulous Hollywood age that lets 29 year olds play high school kids, but the 2 minutes in Heaven moment in “Teen Wolf” is surprisingly juvenile.
Not to judge, but every single one of these actors should have fired their agent immediately after this film.
Also, 90% of the guys at this bar probably need to get laid. I include myself in that 90%
Laker game in 20. EGAD it just got Cambie crayyy in hurr.
REAL TALK: I have never watched a full game of basketball, except in person during a single High School tournament. Kinda wish I’d cribbed, just so I can rap with hotties.
My boobs look GREAT. Jessayin.
Beat It just came on. STILL can’t believe that motherfucker’s dead. Consider it beaten.
PEOPLE THINK I’LL BE ALL FUGGED ABOUT IT IF NO ONE SHOWS. They don’t realize that dive bars throw my social skills into overdrive.
WHO HAS A JOINT? BECAUSE DAAAAYUM. I need to show how funky & strong is my fight right about now.
NO, I WILL NOT MAKE FLIRTY EYE CONTACT WITH CUTE GUY WEARING MAN SNOOD. It’s a personal rule.
I cannot figure out the first thing about this teenager’s Blackberry. My techshame spiral is dizzying. I am buying the fuck out of an iPhone while I’m here. No, not the newest one. I’m made of booze, not money.
Anita Baker? Anita Candlestick maker now just for balance! HYUK
Other than Kobe and Lamar, I know NONE of these people. Okay, maybe Tionna’s boy Ray Allen.
THIS IS GONNA BE FUN. I’m used to hockey crowds, but this is diffstyles. I don’t know how to cheer for this sport!
Also, can we go back to short shorts please, NBA? Your thighs are FINE, trust.
Homesport Steve Nash isn’t in on either of these teams, so I really don’t have a dog in this hunt.
The NBA version of Ron and Don? I still have my retinas, so FAIL.
I don’t even know how many games are left in this series. Do I need to go buy Lakers merch?
What kind of childhood games do you need to have played incessantly to get the adult nickname “Doc”?
OH THANK GOD I CLAPPED PROPERLY FOR THE FIRST LOS ANGELES GOALBASKET.
See, in hockey, you’d NEVER have a penalty shot within the first minute of play.
How many of these dudes are married to Kardashians? So far just one? The night is still young.
I don’t know exactly when to clap, but that parquet floor is LOVELY.
What do you know? I “OH NOOO”d at the right time!
‘Reporting: Doris Burke.’ Girl, you got the best dating hookup in town, dontcha?
I am an APPROPRIATE APPLAUSE MACHIIIINE!
Way more people need to come out and bring me drugs.
I mean, I love my hockey boys, but dayum, you can SEE these bballer’s bodies.
Is PPG and FG like plus/minus ratings?
Honestly, I don’t care if I’m by myself, I’m having a BLAST. It’s my party, I’ll buy my drinks if I want to!
Clapped appropriately for a steal. I AM GETTING THIS, PEOPLE!
OH YEAH I just got asked if I was a regular here. THAT IS HOW YOU DO THAT.
PS: Dudes at the bar? I can’t actually SEE you, so don’t get it twisted.
Someone just asked “are you doing homework or liveblogging?” BLESSSSSSSS! MARRY ME PLS, LA GUYS.
In Bertuzzi parlance, that dude just rode that other dude like a sleigh.
OMG no helmets = HILARIOUS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
So when LA says “get on the Bench” they don’t mean sit down?
This fucking rock is soooo much easier to follow that a tiny puck. No wonder they fussed and invented that stupid blue halo.
OH THANK GOD, the fattest guy here isn’t coming to see me. Or attempting to be my boyfriend.
HELLO EVERYONE I AM WAYY OVER BY THE POOL TABLES!! This is one of the most pathetic missive in the history of unconnected internets!
Thank GOD I don’t have to apologize for Steve Nash’s hair.
Also, I don’t know anyone’s jersey numbers. I’m sure they’re common knowledge down here. Should have cribbed!
Nobody seems to be too fucked about what celebs are in the Celtics audience..
When I am smarter and it is later in my vacay I shall wear purple.
One obvs diff btw NHL & NBA: NHL would NEVER use a script font. That’s a fucking raised pinky tea ceremony.
Rajon Rondo…. People in this nation have names that fucking MATTER
Impossible to keep score. Especially since I’m doorscaning for peeps.
Oh Lamar. Keep fucking that Kardashiken.
This place IS the Cambie LA. Holy fuck.
SRSLY someone in this bar MUST have drugs for me
Let’s pretend all of these people are here to see me.
I like it when they show the dudes shouting from the sidelines
Is there any other sport besides tennis where sweatbands are even viable?
For some reason it’s wayyyy funnier when these guys not wearing skates fall down.
BUT GLISTENING CHESTS ARE A BIG YES
Doris, girl, that is a great cardigan!
A man is here in a tuxedo. If I were not so far away, I would hassle his hoff. Instead, I hassled mansnood’s hoff. Mansnood has assured me he is good and I am good. Thank goodness!
Is the guy’s name really “pau gasol” or did they forget an L and a “LINE?”
SRSLY when the population rebuilds after the apocolypse, Magic Johnson needs to be one of the genetic prototypes shit is built on. That man has nailed the licentiousness resilience market.
OH MY GOD I LOVE EVERY MAN IN LOS ANGELES. THEY ARE SO DELIIIIISH AND THEY CALL ME “HONEY”. Marry me at once!
Do you all have a city where Every dude gives you a clitboner?
Apparently dude in the tux is snarfing a few before the AFI awards honouring Mike Nichols, happening right across the street. As I said to Mansnood, “do you need a date? Cuz I can undo a button”
SRSLY, NBA half-time commentators? 3 grey suits? You couldn’t have phoned each other before the show?
Bro just asked “Miss Heather, where are your friends???”
We don’t have ppl in suits coming on the ice EVAR.. until the cup is presented.
I will murder this karaoke in its bed and leave its siblings with nightmares for life.