cvxn

I'm Hez. please enjoy my internets!
@Hez on twitter | cvxn on instagram/statigram
stuff I've written for HelloGiggles is here
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SCRUB ALL EVIDENCE OF SELF AND/OR CEILING FAN BEFORE CRAIGSLISTING MIRROR: check

SCRUB ALL EVIDENCE OF SELF AND/OR CEILING FAN BEFORE CRAIGSLISTING MIRROR: check

Today’s spirit animal is this stone cold addict jonesing for unique, quality curtains at a bargain price. What she has found (close to her home? Worth the trip? These are quibbles! JUST GO!) is so beauuuuuuuutiful she must occasionally reveal it to us in hushed, conspiratorial tones.

Sadly, I regret to inform viewers of this masterpiece that, following a little detective work by one of my FTS colleagues, it would seem her one request of this store was most cruelly and bitterly denied. Where now will her daughters (presumably still being harangued about their deeply offensive life choices involving vertical blinds) shop, and everyone else that flocked to her home, agog at her near superhuman ability to lay her hands on the finest man-made drapery panels ever assembled for less than ten dollars?

And with that injustice bringing a cheap and tawdry curtain down over this dazzlingly accessorized window-covering enthusiast, I declare that the entire Rhode Island Drapery Vending Community is dead to me. 

H/T to iamsosorry for this precious jewel I will cherish for years to come.

suitep:

"This was one night that I did not sleep."

(Source: nevereverbeensosatisfied)

mykicks:

I SCREAMED

3rd degree BURN.

(Source: themorallycorruptfayeresnick)

areasofmyexpertise:

GREY GARDENS is for rent this summer. See HERE. 
ABOVE is Big and LIttle Edie’s room, all fixed up. 
I HAVE ACTUALLY slept in that bed. That is not a lie. But the house is very nice now, and you have to bring your own raccoons. 
IF YOU RENT IT, please invite me. That is all. 

DOES IT COME WITH ITS OWN MARBLE FAUN?

areasofmyexpertise:

GREY GARDENS is for rent this summer. See HERE

ABOVE is Big and LIttle Edie’s room, all fixed up. 

I HAVE ACTUALLY slept in that bed. That is not a lie. But the house is very nice now, and you have to bring your own raccoons. 

IF YOU RENT IT, please invite me. 

That is all. 

DOES IT COME WITH ITS OWN MARBLE FAUN?

standardgrey:

secretcities:

British Columbia’s Failed Utopias.

Fun, albeit too-quick read. 
“Arguably, BC is better off without a rogue Anglican commandeering his own police force, naked zealots burning their houses and the reincarnation of Osiris hoarding gold on a Gulf Island. But it doesn’t seem quite as interesting.”

standardgrey:

secretcities:

British Columbia’s Failed Utopias.

Fun, albeit too-quick read.

“Arguably, BC is better off without a rogue Anglican commandeering his own police force, naked zealots burning their houses and the reincarnation of Osiris hoarding gold on a Gulf Island. But it doesn’t seem quite as interesting.”

lifeaquatic:

film-schooled:

criterioncorner:

Full Trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson’s THE MASTER

as if i need to say more.

LANDRY!

Whoa.

Missed you, Lance!

(Source: truthandmovies)

“While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.”
Frances Bean (Via WE ARE YOUR FEK)

chrismohney:

davidcho:

I cannot emphasize enough how this may be the best website ever created, ever. 

Once the page loads, make sure your sound is on and (spoiler) you follow the video down the page. Again, this is possibly, the most important website on all of the internet.

via Ricky

Why should I bother to do anything on the web, after seeing this? Why should anyone? CUT, THAT WAS PERFECT

HE “GETS IT”, PEOPLE. And he quotes both himself and noted sage Will Smith on his “fave quotes” page. Never let it be said the man doesn’t have a wide range of influences.

almostfameless:

Well, this is by far the most puzzling of letters.  Several drawings of washing machines in what appears to be black ink and colored pencils, alongside the lyrics of The Brady Bunch theme song.

The end of the letter asks: “Would you know of any washer museums anywhere?  Thank you.”

Um.  I mean, I’m speechless, really.  This is like The Da Vinci Code, can someone figure this out?

lotusmodern:

FUCK TEXAS

jadedfucker:

zeitgeistmovement:

Bill Nye, the harmless children’s edu-tainer known as “The Science Guy,” managed to offend a select group of adults in Waco, Texas at a presentation, when he suggested that the moon does not emit light, but instead reflects the light of the sun.

As even most elementary-school graduates know, the moon reflects the light of the sun but produces no light of its own.

But don’t tell that to the good people of Waco, who were “visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence,” according to the Waco Tribune.

Nye was in town to participate in McLennan Community College’s Distinguished Lecture Series. He gave two lectures on such unfunny and adult topics as global warming, Mars exploration, and energy consumption.

But nothing got people as riled as when he brought up Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

The lesser light, he pointed out, is not a light at all, but only a reflector.

At this point, several people in the audience stormed out in fury. One woman yelled “We believe in God!” and left with three children, thus ensuring that people across America would read about the incident and conclude that Waco is as nutty as they’d always suspected.

Oh, wow.

WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

(Source: socialuprooting)

The Greatest Hate Letter the Mailroom Hath Ever Seen

almostfameless:

This is the greatest letter I have ever read.  There’s really nothing to say, other than I would be depriving you of copious amounts of joy if I did not post this.

(Also, just know that the person to which this letter is addressed is not and was never linked to Britney Spears.  Which just adds to the hilarity, I think.)

"Britian Sphears" LOLWUT

I suppose there is one level on which this vaguely makes sense, given that little kids are the only people on earth not sick to the point of Ebola from hearing about this batshit crazy, media whoring fucktard.
(But really, wasn’t a spritzer of hydrochloric acid available? They couldn’t have looked THAT hard.)

I suppose there is one level on which this vaguely makes sense, given that little kids are the only people on earth not sick to the point of Ebola from hearing about this batshit crazy, media whoring fucktard.

(But really, wasn’t a spritzer of hydrochloric acid available? They couldn’t have looked THAT hard.)

File under “obvs”.

chrismohney:

goldenfiddle:

Nothing insane to see here!

It’s a tragedy that tn the post Joaquin Phoenix world, I don’t trust any celebrity freakout anymore. I’m like — yeah sure Randy Quaid, how else were you going to get in Vanity Fair? If Margot Kidder was “found in undergrowth by Los Angeles police in a distressed state with bashed-in teeth” in 2010, I’d just assume it was a pitch for a reality show.

Keeping my eyes peeled for these two around Vancouver. (And FWIW, Margot is my close friend’s cousin, so if anything major happens, I’ll get you an exclusive, Mohney.)

chrismohney:

goldenfiddle:

Nothing insane to see here!

It’s a tragedy that tn the post Joaquin Phoenix world, I don’t trust any celebrity freakout anymore. I’m like — yeah sure Randy Quaid, how else were you going to get in Vanity Fair? If Margot Kidder was “found in undergrowth by Los Angeles police in a distressed state with bashed-in teeth” in 2010, I’d just assume it was a pitch for a reality show.

Keeping my eyes peeled for these two around Vancouver. (And FWIW, Margot is my close friend’s cousin, so if anything major happens, I’ll get you an exclusive, Mohney.)

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