cvxn

I'm Hez. please enjoy my internets!
@Hez on twitter | cvxn on instagram/statigram
stuff I've written for HelloGiggles is here
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“DEATH BY CAT PISS ODOUR”

That’s my tombstone right there, folks.

Related: please kill me now.

OMG OMG OMG GUYS! PEOPLE I DON’T FOLLOW ON TUMBLR ARE EATING BURGERS!

Can a NYT trend piece be far behind?

(SRSLY Tumblr, RELAX. NOT “EVERYONE” is eating burgers. Maybe like 3 people… people I don’t follow anymore. And this is part of why.)

fatmanatee:

 
OH BOY.
Oddly, SXSW has been a bit kinder to female comedians in the past (this isn’t saying much), but whoever booked the show this year is a bro who really loves podcasts and the “alternative comedy scene”.  HEY, I like a lot of these guys too.  But it’s beyond sexism at this point to ignore women in comedy… it’s woefully out of touch with what’s happening on the internet, where there’s no barrier for entry and women have proven themselves quite capable of making people laugh just as much as the bros.  SXSW pitches itself as the new generation of festival and this happens?  Psssssssh.
That women feel weird about speaking out against this because it upsets the balance of bro comedy is just upsetting. 

Well, I don’t exactly have a bitch in this hunt (other than the fact of my current ovary-having status and loving a lot of female comedians pretty hard right now), but I’ll wager this ish is probably something a few of these dudes might want to address publicly in the next couple of weeks, given that the “feeling weird about [not] speaking out” sword cuts both ways. They might not have to pee in the same bathrooms as the “comediennettes,” but I’m guessing some of those green rooms are a mite cramped, and brushing up against a stray funnyladyboob might be all that stands between some of these dudes and a sad night with bleak motel porn channels. But seriously, I think it’s a prime opportunity to take the SXSW organizers to task and show solidarity with their opposite gender counterparts in the biz. WHERE IS THE HASHTAG OF RAGE?
So yeah, if they don’t speak out, fuck them. Especially, fuck Donald Glover. Fuck him in the pants and mouth area. Fuck him in the shower and over the desk and on the chair and in a car and in a tent and in a canoe and HOPEFULLY THAT WILL TEACH HIM.

fatmanatee:

OH BOY.

Oddly, SXSW has been a bit kinder to female comedians in the past (this isn’t saying much), but whoever booked the show this year is a bro who really loves podcasts and the “alternative comedy scene”.  HEY, I like a lot of these guys too.  But it’s beyond sexism at this point to ignore women in comedy… it’s woefully out of touch with what’s happening on the internet, where there’s no barrier for entry and women have proven themselves quite capable of making people laugh just as much as the bros.  SXSW pitches itself as the new generation of festival and this happens?  Psssssssh.

That women feel weird about speaking out against this because it upsets the balance of bro comedy is just upsetting. 

Well, I don’t exactly have a bitch in this hunt (other than the fact of my current ovary-having status and loving a lot of female comedians pretty hard right now), but I’ll wager this ish is probably something a few of these dudes might want to address publicly in the next couple of weeks, given that the “feeling weird about [not] speaking out” sword cuts both ways. They might not have to pee in the same bathrooms as the “comediennettes,” but I’m guessing some of those green rooms are a mite cramped, and brushing up against a stray funnyladyboob might be all that stands between some of these dudes and a sad night with bleak motel porn channels. But seriously, I think it’s a prime opportunity to take the SXSW organizers to task and show solidarity with their opposite gender counterparts in the biz. WHERE IS THE HASHTAG OF RAGE?

So yeah, if they don’t speak out, fuck them. Especially, fuck Donald Glover. Fuck him in the pants and mouth area. Fuck him in the shower and over the desk and on the chair and in a car and in a tent and in a canoe and HOPEFULLY THAT WILL TEACH HIM.

Biting my hater steez

Can we please agree right now that THE ONLY PEOPLE who should be allowed to be pissy about Valentine’s Day are PEOPLE WITHOUT PARTNERS? All you married people and people with long term lovahs, stop muddying the waters of my disenchantment by playing at being all grouchy about it! Why you gotta co-opt my hate-on when you’ve got a squeeze and I don’t? I guaranfuckingtee you you’re never going to be as pissed about the whole sitch as my spinster ass is. I will win that Bitter-Off.

I’m sorry if you don’t like the day and its concomitant gift-buying foolishness, but if you have a partner, you have already won Valentine’s Day and thus, your complaints always fall into the “it’s all commercial bullshit” vein (a criticism that has clearly just been recycled from Christmas), not the true, righteous hate of the “no one will ever be my partner and I will die alone with these cats eating my face” vein. The true Valentine’s Day hate is founded in loneliness, emptiness, lack of connection and a cold bed every night of your life. If you aren’t living that dusty-wombed truth, I put to you that you really don’t know what genuine Valentine’s Day hatred is, you are merely fronting on the genital curmudgeonliness that is my daily struggle, and I think you should have to address your Anti-Valentine’s Day sentiment by calling it something else, like “Buy Nothing Romantic Day.”

LET US HAVE OUR DAY OF RAGE, NON-SINGLE PEOPLE. You can hate every other day of the year if you like.

People who still think it’s spelled “Mubarek” = People who still think it’s spelled “Micheal Jackson”

You guys are idiots.

Meet my friend Google. He is of the Internet Googles, where correct spelling can be found and nurtured and made to grow big and strong, if you bother to get your heads out of your fucking asses.

Seriously, Apatow. STFU.

Seriously, Apatow. STFU.

SRSLY. I’m fixin to go warn all my dealer and hooker friends that this bitch is coming.

SRSLY. I’m fixin to go warn all my dealer and hooker friends that this bitch is coming.

Did the mean lady hurt somebody’s feelings?

Just rub your bible on it, Ms. “My God Will Fix Everything”!

UPDATE: that C-word is comparing my hood to fucking Botswana. I am THISCLOSE to firing off the most blistering screed to her ask box, but clearly, when Jesus moved in to her brain, it had already been vacant for some time.

theg33k:

fuckyeahtattoos:

The skyline of Vancouver, Canada. I’m going to be a missionary to the Downtown Eastside, which is swamped in drug addiction, prostitution, homelessness and crime.
Done by K-lee at Prophetic Ink, Murfreesboro, TN.
Submitted by  

The people of the DTES need many things. God is one of the least of them.

SWAMPED? Fuck you, Judge Judy! That’s my hood, and some of those prostitutes, druggies and dealers are friends of mine. But how generous of you to take time out of your busy schedule of being better than us to come here and tell us what we need. I’m sure you’ll find some low-hanging fruit in the alleys and shooting galleries you can easily harvest to fill your soul quota, but here’s a news flash, my freshly-inked friend: my people don’t want to be “saved” by your imaginary man in the sky and his vague promises of shiny shit after they’re dead. But I guess when you’re a godhammer, everything can only ever look like a nail.
Bibles fix fuck all around here - if they worked, it would have been squeaky clean decades ago. 

theg33k:

fuckyeahtattoos:

The skyline of Vancouver, Canada. I’m going to be a missionary to the Downtown Eastside, which is swamped in drug addiction, prostitution, homelessness and crime.

Done by K-lee at Prophetic Ink, Murfreesboro, TN.

Submitted by  

The people of the DTES need many things. God is one of the least of them.

SWAMPED? Fuck you, Judge Judy! That’s my hood, and some of those prostitutes, druggies and dealers are friends of mine. But how generous of you to take time out of your busy schedule of being better than us to come here and tell us what we need. I’m sure you’ll find some low-hanging fruit in the alleys and shooting galleries you can easily harvest to fill your soul quota, but here’s a news flash, my freshly-inked friend: my people don’t want to be “saved” by your imaginary man in the sky and his vague promises of shiny shit after they’re dead. But I guess when you’re a godhammer, everything can only ever look like a nail.

Bibles fix fuck all around here - if they worked, it would have been squeaky clean decades ago. 

(Source: fuckyeahtattoos)

grimmertown:

cvxn:

(via Archive » Issue #1 | Only Magazine) Issue #1 was conceived, written, printed, and distributed in 72 hours. Created by the staff of Terminal City, who walked out in protest of the firing of TC’s founder… 

Yeah, yeah. Well, guess what? I didn’t walk out of Terminal City when that one guy refused to take a buyout (but his brother, the main investor, did) and then cried to the world that he got “fired.” Let’s be clear about what really happened. “The Staff” did not walk out. I was there that day, and I was there the day before and the day after, I can count the number of people who left, and it is equally balanced by the number of us who stayed (or joined later). But hey, way to milk a bullshit story and keep polarizing Vancouver’s writing and music communities for half a decade! WORKED LIKE A CHARM, GUYS.

I spent 3 years at Terminal City, as writer, proofreader, copy chief, arts editor and finally acting Editor-in-Chief, and I gave it my blood, sweat and tears… and for zero dollars for the first year and a half (and scarcely more than that afterwards). And when the walkout happened, I needed a fucking job, I loved my column and my 30,000+ audience, so I stayed at the “Vichy” TC, produced some of my best work (the Music issue I put together is a true thing of beauty, if only for the all-stars I got to contribute), and got an education like I would never have got had the place stayed the same and the same people kept everything exactly the same as it ever was. It was the “Island of Broken Toys” as one of them called it… and that’s how the original team would have had it remain, forever. I never agreed with that descriptor, and I thought it was an insult to the talent and enthusiasm of all of us working to make the paper better.

So because I stayed behind (and produced our first issue under new management - with no production team - in a dizzyingly intense 48 hours, of which I too am INCREDIBLY proud), for the last six years I’ve been judged and sneered at by a small group of people, some of whom have never even met me because of a labour issue and subsequent personal choices they would never understand. (And seriously, this has got to be one of the most biased Wikipedia entries it has ever been my pleasure to flag.)

Those of us who stayed behind were human beings, just like all the precious hothouse orchids who went on to form the Only, although from the way some of us were treated (including but not limited to being berated and abused on public streets by former coworkers and friends), you’d think we had forfeited our humanity by not tossing our toys out of the pram when we heard there was a group tantrum going on. And when the wheel turned again and I finally got canned by that douchebag publisher with the cellphone clipped to his Dockers, did I expect the rest of my crew to quit in protest? Did I make sure my new magazine fuelled the haters and did I take pains to let even my unsuspecting interview subjects (Diamanda Galás, anyone?) know I had an axe to grind against my old publisher? NO, I BLOODY WELL DID NOT.

TL;DR: Some people can be real jerks when you don’t play by their hipster code. I’m really glad that’s all over.

Sad but true.

Soon after the “walk out” I was asked to partner with Jenn Wong in taking over Terminal City’s music section (which, before I started, had devolved to the point where the section consisted of talking about the same two or three local bands over and over again) and I accepted.

The whole experience was a blast. I had a hand in hiring some fantastic, knowledgeable writers (most notably this class act, who never let me down) and helped create possibly the best weekly music section Vancouver had ever seen. I made some great new friends and even though I was forced to reassess some other friendships (one long-time friend was upset with me for taking the position and even though he couldn’t explain exactly why, he decided to choose sides anyway…don’t worry, he still contacted me regularly to get me to mention his band in Terminal City) it was completely worth it.

It’s true, our publisher was a a dick and it’s also true that a few of the “walk outs”  were ridiculously petty and needlessly vicious but I emerged from the whole debacle relatively unscathed. Perhaps because I was oblivious to their anger, but most probably because I really didn’t care what they thought anyway and they knew it.  I did a good job while I was there and had a of a lot of fun doing it.

Hell, my band at the time even played a benefit for our The Only while I was music editor at TC (actually I think it was for Music Waste which The Only had taken over recently and needed funds to run). They asked, we played, and we were terrible, but the night was a whole lot of fun. I couldn’t drudge up a grudge to bear if I tried.

I noticed that Wikipedia entry awhile back. Hilarious!

Thanks, Jason. There are still a surprising number of people in Vancouver who were spoon-fed the Only’s bilious rewriting of events (hell, their name alone was probably a pretty good indicator of their solipsism) and taught to hate everyone involved with “Vichy” TC for no reason other than because Daddy Darren told them to. I lost a relationship and a bunch of friends and was subject to some rather frightening abuse and bullying, all because somebody couldn’t manage his exit strategy and wanted everybody to know it.

In addition to the sanguine support of bros like Grimmer who saw a practical opportunity to make some inky magic, those rare few people who were able to walk between the raindrops during that nasty period have proven themselves time and time again to be some of the best friends ANY artist/musician/writer will ever have.

(via Archive » Issue #1 | Only Magazine) Issue #1 was conceived, written, printed, and distributed in 72 hours. Created by the staff of Terminal City, who walked out in protest of the firing of TC’s founder… 

Yeah, yeah. Well, guess what? I didn’t walk out of Terminal City when that one guy refused to take a buyout (but his brother, the main investor, did) and then cried to the world that he got “fired.” Let’s be clear about what really happened. “The Staff” did not walk out. I was there that day, and I was there the day before and the day after, I can count the number of people who left, and it is equally balanced by the number of us who stayed (or joined later). But hey, way to milk a bullshit story and keep polarizing Vancouver’s writing and music communities for half a decade! WORKED LIKE A CHARM, GUYS.

I spent 3 years at Terminal City, as writer, proofreader, copy chief, arts editor and finally acting Editor-in-Chief, and I gave it my blood, sweat and tears… and for zero dollars for the first year and a half (and scarcely more than that afterwards). And when the walkout happened, I needed a job, I loved my column and my 30,000+ audience, so I stayed at the “Vichy” TC, produced some of my best work (the Music issue I put together is a true thing of beauty, if only for the all-stars I got to contribute), and got an education like I would never have got had the place stayed the same and the same people kept everything exactly the same as it ever was. It was the “Island of Broken Toys” as one of them called it… and that’s how the original team would have had it remain, forever. I never agreed with that descriptor, and I thought it was an insult to the talent and enthusiasm of all of us working to make the paper better.

So because I stayed behind (and produced our first issue under new management - with no production team - in a dizzyingly intense 48 hours, of which I too am INCREDIBLY proud), for the last six years I’ve been judged and sneered at by a small group of people, some of whom have never even met me because of a labour issue and subsequent personal choices they would never understand. (And seriously, this has got to be one of the most biased Wikipedia entries it has ever been my pleasure to flag*.)

Those of us who stayed behind were human beings, just like all the precious hothouse orchids who went on to form the Only, although from the way some of us were treated (including but not limited to being berated and abused on public streets by former coworkers and friends), you’d think we had forfeited our humanity by not tossing our toys out of the pram when we heard there was a group tantrum going on. And when the wheel turned again and I finally got canned by that douchebag publisher with the cellphone clipped to his Dockers, did I expect the rest of my crew to quit in protest? Did I make sure my new magazine fueled the haters and did I take pains to let even my unsuspecting interview subjects (Diamanda Galás, anyone?) know I had an axe to grind against my old publisher? NO, I BLOODY WELL DID NOT.

TL;DR: Some people can be real jerks when you don’t play by their hipster code. I’m really glad that’s all over.

[*UPDATE: Looks like that Wikipedia article finally got a little balance. And believe me, so did I.]

mustanghalle:

theblackrabbitofinle:

sagansapien:

Via http://www.saramayhew.com/blog/index.php/2010/11/carl-sagan-day/
Also, http://bestonlinelearning.net/blogs/?p=1186

 ok. ok almost done with the Carl Sagan Spam

christ

FUCKING HELL, ANIME ARTISTS, I KNOW YOU’VE NEVER SEEN ONE, BUT PICK UP A BOOK AND LEARN HOW TO DRAW A CROTCH ALREADY. (Updated: You’re a LADY? And this is how you honour your sweetmeats? <facepalm>)

mustanghalle:

theblackrabbitofinle:

sagansapien:

Via http://www.saramayhew.com/blog/index.php/2010/11/carl-sagan-day/

Also, http://bestonlinelearning.net/blogs/?p=1186

 ok. ok almost done with the Carl Sagan Spam

christ

FUCKING HELL, ANIME ARTISTS, I KNOW YOU’VE NEVER SEEN ONE, BUT PICK UP A BOOK AND LEARN HOW TO DRAW A CROTCH ALREADY. (Updated: You’re a LADY? And this is how you honour your sweetmeats? <facepalm>)

Tweeting about some song that was just on the radio is the new &#8220;look, a horse!&#8221; as you whizz by on the freeway.

Tweeting about some song that was just on the radio is the new “look, a horse!” as you whizz by on the freeway.

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